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mumblings of a humble servant

28
Mar 12Sarah
A candid look into my heart…

Wow! It has been FOR-EV-ER since I blogged! I meant to keep up on this thing but I guess life has been busier than I expected. I titled this post “A candid look into my heart…” because it may be a random blog. Its a mish-mash of random thoughts I’ve been thinking over the last 6 months and I guess I need to process them out loud. This may not really be all that relevant to anyone else other than me so forgive me if this bores you….you aren’t expected to read the whole thing. I’ll try to put up pictures to help spice it up

Well first off….I started a journey about 10 months ago that started with a book called Made to Crave and a hunger (no pun intended) to learn how to crave God more than food. The response I received from this blog was overwhelming.

You can read about it here: http://sarah.haseldens.com/2011/05/i-have-a-confession/ .

I had no idea so many women that I love and respect also struggled with this addiction to food. Well I have had a few people ask about how that journey is going and so I wanted to update you all. At one point I had lost 25 pounds!!! This, of course, was before the holidays hit but I’m happy to say I didn’t overindulge (too much) on Thanksgiving and Christmas foods. I realize its not really those meals though that make it difficult during the holidays. Its the endless amounts of cookies, fudge, and other sweets. I LOVE my job, don’t get me wrong. And I’m SOOO blessed to work for my church. And I am so thankful for the many wonderful things that we receive as a staff for gifts. But they were almost all sweets!!! I tried to give most of them away though the gesture was incredibly sweet and I’m so blessed. I sat for a second just soaking in the hours of love that went into baking each cookie and yummy thing before finding a good home for them lol. Anyway, this holiday season I gained 5 of the pounds back. Which really isn’t that much in comparison to how much i’ve gained in the past but it was more than i’d hoped to gain. I believe i’m hovering around 21 pounds lost since starting this journey. I don’t measure my stomach or thighs or anything like that so i’m not sure about inches. I know my clothes fit better and I’ve dropped down a pants size and a t-shirt size for sure! That felt really good. I’d like to lose another 15 to 20 pounds and so I’m back on little to no sweets again. I allow myself one sweet thing a week.

I also have started running!!! Well running is a relative term in my vocabulary. I walk/jog or what I call woggin or jalking. I go once a week for sure but really need to do one more day a week as well. I also try to do yoga on wednesday’s with a friend. So if I can get in the yoga and 2 jalkings a week I would be really satisfied with my progress. I feel sore after each workout and am enjoying that feeling. I’m just lazy. I need to face my own laziness. I also like to blame the weather LOL. I need to make it a priority to be healthy and workout. Okay…that was my self pep-talk.

Anyway, I never thought i’d enjoy jalking but since discovering Nike+ for my iPhone I am really loving it! It keeps track of my total miles, lets me listen to my “workout” playlist on shuffle, tells me how many calories I burned, how far I went, my average time, and I can post it to facebook and be encouraged by friends. I’m a list maker and so this really appeals to my type A personality side. I highly recommend this app to anyone who is thinking about running. its super motivating. And maybe, just maybe, someday I can actually jog the whole time and not have to stop to walk

I’m slightly ashamed (okay more than slightly ashamed) of how far I let myself go. Here is a candid look at my before and after pictures….they weren’t taken with this purpose so hopefully you can even tell I lost weight LOL!

June 2011 – towards the start of my journey

June 2011 – beginning of Journey

August 2011

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October 2011

Christmas – 2011

Um…..Okay as I look at the pictures they don’t really tell you anything. SO I guess I just wanted to post embarrassing pictures of myself!! Anyway….You get the point…sorta. I’m feeling healthier and excited to keep up this journey. More importantly than losing the weight though is the victory over the grip that temptation and overindulgence had on my life. I no longer live for the next meal and lust over what I’m going to eat. I enjoy not eating lots of sweets and not obsessing over it and wondering how much I can get away with eating without people judging me. Overall….i’m thankful. I know this is a lifelong battle though. Its my vice. If I allow too much back in it will take hold again. And so i’m surrendered to knowing I need to constantly be aware of this addiction and being able to say “no” when i’m offered something that looks yummy.

I am also so proud of my sister Laura for losing 50 pounds and looking awesome! And my sister in law Amandolin is running 5 miles a day and going to train for a marathon next summer. Overall it feels like a season of getting healthy for my family and I’m so thankful for it!! Way to go Haseldens!

So I also know most of you know what the year 2011 held for me: a huge heartbreak and life change. The verse “be angry and do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26) was a verse that I was tested on. Its been almost 5 months since the divorce was final, almost 8 months since separation, and 3 1/2 years since the initial confession and grief over the violation of my ex-husband. Now I don’t say any of this to condemn him or demonize him. I pray for him and his heart towards God and wish him the best. I can honestly say that my heart holds no bitterness towards him…only sadness and pity. Its never something to be gloated over when someone falls. Its sad to God therefore sad to me. But this isn’t about him. This is about my heart and how God is molding and shaping it.

After the separation I was taken in by an amazing couple from church. I spent 4 months with them and was so blessed by the quiet and solitude they gave me. My temptation was to numb any pain and watch movies or stay busy but I spent this time praying, worshipping and journaling through the thoughts and feelings that I had. I was amazed at how quickly God was helping me move through the grief over the loss of my marriage the pain that was inflicted on my heart. In talking to a Godly friend, she pointed out that I had already been through this process once before.

1 1/2 into our marriage he confessed to being unfaithful with several women and I was devastated…broken. My heart was ripped from my chest. I am not even sure how I functioned during that time. We had a few sessions of professional marriage counseling happen as well as some counseling from pastoral staff. It seemed as though things were healing and getting better but as I look back….I realize that my heart never reattached to him. I believe that I partially expected him to hurt me again and so my heart stayed distant, in order to protect itself from any further harm. I don’t believe this is wrong. I’ve heard it takes, on average, 7 years for trust to be built back up again after an offense of this caliber. I feel so protected by God. We had tried to buy a house and failed. We had been trying to get pregnant and failed. God knew all along that there would need to be a clean break and that our marriage was not a healthy place for these blessings to take place. I’m eternally grateful that there weren’t ties such as these to him. It would have made the process that much harder.

And so here I am, post divorce and how do I feel? Peaceful. Good. Hopeful. God has used a number of people to be a part of my healing process. I have had to face my own faults in the marriage and own up to them. I wasn’t a perfect wife. Nothing I did is an excuse for what he did but I still have to face the fact that I could have done better in the marriage.

I feel like i’m getting closer and closer to being whole again.

I’ve enjoyed this time with God and making new friends.

I live with some amazing Christian women from my church and am enjoying this new thing: girl roommates .

My job is going really well and is keeping me busy with new big and exciting projects.

I don’t harbor any bitterness.

I don’t feel angry.

I don’t feel empty.

God has taught me to rely on Him fully and to seek Him in all my decisions. And so I’m doing that. I’m dreaming again. I’m 3 1/2 years into the grieving and I’m thankful for the struggle. I never want to go through it again….I never wish this on anyone. But God has used it to make me stronger.

My criteria for a future husband is MUCH more comprehensive spiritually and he is going to be UH-MAZE-ING! I look forward to being able to “do it right” as far as dating and marriage is concerned. To be an example to my D-group (Discipleship Group – HS girls that I meet with on Sunday nights…they ROCK!) that you CAN wait until marriage to have sex. That God will still bless your wedding night even if you’d made mistakes in the past. I look forward to not having the struggles that came in my marriage because of sexual sin: mistrust, guilt, shame, blame etc . I look forward to it being a testimony of God’s redemption and healing and how He can make all things….all situations….all people beautiful again.

There was a song that was sent to me by my lovely cousin/sister/best friend right in the midst of those first few weeks. Its called Beautiful Things by Gungor. It has been my anthem, my hope, my promise to cling to, my encouragement. There are a number of songs and verses that were these things to me in those first few months but this one stands out among them. Here are the lyrics:

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Listen to the song. Dear brother. Dear sister. If you are going through something hard. Something that seems hopeless. That seems like nothing good or beautiful can come of it. Something that doesn’t make sense. If you wonder why God is “allowing” this to happen to you. If you long for comfort. My heart is with you. My encouragement would be to just take one step after another. God doesn’t usually light the whole path but He shows us just enough that we can handle. I didn’t know from day to day what to do. But God kept showing me one step after another until one day, I looked back. and realized how far i’d come already and it filled me with hope to keep going. God makes all things beautiful, He makes us new. We are never beyond His reach. Never too far. Never alone.

K Gotta go! Be blessed!

Little Heart

07
Feb 12Nixie Pixie
important

i hope to take this up again later today, but just now, i read 1 corinthians 10:31, and was reminded of something.

naturally, as i read, my eyes have been trained to read an appointed, recommended verse, and then sift through the verses around it – starting before and after a paragraph, if it is one. and it usually is. most of us know this verse:

“so, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

i came here because John Piper suggested his catch phrase – one i heartily adhere to as a genuine truth. he said, “God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him.” yes. yes, and satisfaction comes from steeping your heart in Scripture, and being obedient, among other things.

as my eyes trickled upward, i spotted, “‘all things are lawful,’ but not all things are helpful. ‘all things are lawful,’ but not all things build up. let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.”

last night, i bemoaned my two-facedness to joel. i have not always sought the good of my neighbor. i have not avoided things i know that cause others to stumble. i have not always spoken well, and my tongue has proven to be more than poisonous, more than deadly. hacked people to pieces, i have. with cynicism. and skepticism. and judgment.

i want my words to be helpful. i want them to build up – whoever i am talking to or about. i want to keep my tongue from causing others to stumble. i want to seek the good of my neighbor. i want to be obedient in this way, so that i can glorify God and be satisfied in Him.

seeking to glorify myself has left me woefully unsatisfied.

sean’s musings

16
Aug 11sean
Kenya Africa – Arrival in Kenya

We finally arrived in Kenya, after a stop in Ethiopia. After sorting through our visa paperwork (turns out we didn’t HAVE to have our yellow fever shots to get in), we all got photographed and fingerprinted with a shiny new Kenyan visa in our passports.

We then proceeded to find all our luggage in baggage claim, which luckily had all made it. Our “caretaker” Constantino met us right outside the baggage claim and rolled the bus up to meet us. The bus itself was quite large, luckily large enough to fit all of the stuff we brought. We brought all sorts of medical supplies, toys, candy, school supplies, etc to bring to various places within Kenya.

The ride from the Airport was supposed to take about 30 min, but took more like an hour and a half due to the intense traffic. It was utter chaos. Vans were actually driving off the side of the road up into the dirt and making their own roads. Within all the traffic, vendors were walking up to cars and trying to sell goods. It reminded me in some ways of crossing the border from Mexico back into the United States. Along the way you would see nice buildings along side people living in the streets. Shanti towns were scattered along the route, which is the first time I’ve really experienced seeing something like that other than on TV. The ride in general was quite enjoyable other than the fact that we’d been pretty much up for 30+ hours with little sleep and I think most were ready to get to our destination. We finally arrived to our destination, the Africa Nazarene University, which is set on a beautiful campus. There is a housing building especially for work and witness teams which we are staying in. It’s a 3 story building with many bunk rooms. Because we were behind schedule due to the traffic, we unloaded everything, got our rooms, and then headed up to the cafeteria for a late lunch/early dinner.

We met Freddie who is our chef for the time we are going to be here. He is a very nice, enthusiastic and friendly guy. After dinner we all came back to the house and pretty much crashed.

We did meet another team that is staying in the top floor of this building, and oddly enough they are from Calvary Church in Hillsboro, just down the road from where we live. One of the party was a Duck fan, so I even got a little ridicule in Kenya of all places. It’s quite funny that we can travel half way around the world and end up with people who go to church right down the street from us.

Random Musings of a Beautiful Letdown

02
Nov 10Amanda
GO GIANTS!!!

Here was a conversation last night. It’s good to admit when we’re wrong!

Sean: <sheepish grin> I bought a cheap bottle of champagne on the way home.

Me: You’re such a dork! <adoring smile> Why didn’t you get some Prosecco?

Sean: Yeah. For 40 bucks!

Me: Well, we could have saved it for Wednesday! You know I want them to win, but it’s probably not going to happen tonight. The odds are against it.

Sean: I know.

And at the end of the night, I drank my weight (not literally!) in $10 champagne, opened my mouth and ate my foot…which, looking back, was the tastiest foot I have ever consumed! Go Gigantes! Congrats!

Mischief Managed

09
Sep 10kate
Oh my.

I’m still alive! During my time sipping my tea and perusing the internet this morning I decided to check out good ol’ Haseldens.com and came across this little treasure again.

Where to begin? I am living in this beautiful house with my lovely roommate in Woodburn, Oregon. The Lord has really provided me with the desires of my heart! Though my recent heartache has brought me a sense of desolation at times, I will never deny the fact that God is here and He’s creating a new heart in me. Growth ensues and the Lord prevails I’m trying to soak up Romans 8:28. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

I’m now a barista at Starbucks in Salem. It’s quite the challenging job, oddly enough. Even so, it’s been a rewarding experience. I’ve developed a few great relationships with coworkers and customers. I’m thankful for this season of my life to settle in and discover what it’s like to have a full-time job. It’s definitely a new adventure!

I’m loving my church/family here. Serving in a church is such a new thing to me. I’m thankful to have the secretary as a sister to make it an easier transition! It feels like home to me and it’s been a very long time since I’ve been somewhere I feel like I fit in. There’s a purpose for me here and I’m excited to see what it really is and discover these gifts. I’m learning to love people in such a different way than I did before! Thank you, Lord. It’s been a long time coming. All of this has!

I’ve been looking back on the progress made on all accounts. Work, attitude, relationships, time management, paying bills, serving, etc. Everything that comes with being an adult (and a human). I feel like I’m fully immersed. It’s terrifying! I can’t believe I finally left the nest (or rather fell out of the nest?) and am pursuing life instead of being still.

I know you all thought “Finally!” when you heard I was moving out on my own. Don’t deny it My point in writing this was to speedily catch you up and thank you for praying and loving me through everything!

On another note, I’d like to leave you with these lyrics:

And after the storm I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up
On my knees and out of luck, I look up

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won’t rot, I won’t rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won’t rot

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall
And remembered our own land, what we lived for

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see what you find there
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh, no more
That’s why I hold
That’s why I hold with all I have
That’s why I hold

I won’t die alone and be left there
Well I guess I’ll just go home,
Oh God knows where
Because death is just so full and man so small
Well I’m scared of what’s behind and what’s before

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see what you find there
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

“After the Storm” – Mumford and Sons

Gompers Growing Up

15
Jun 10dan
Easter Eggs and Ear Aches

Sorry for the delay in posting. It’s been quite a while since I’ve been able to sit down and do this. First I was working nights and babysitting days, so any break in the action and I was sleeping. Then I got laid off, so more regular rest. But all my spare time has gone into getting the house ready to sell. Most of that’s done, so I hope to post more regularly.

So, you may have heard there was a wedding last month. We decided to grace the event with our presence, no matter the hardships we would endure and overcome. The following is the saga of our epic journey.

We flew out of Indianapolis early Thursday morning. We were quite the sight going through the airport. Two big suitcases, a car seat in a carrier, a carry-on bag, a back pack, the laptop case, the inevitable diaper bag, and a baby in a stroller. Even after we checked the big bags and car seat, we still had a lot of stuff! On the first flight to Denver, Beth was great , she slept most of the way.

O.k., I started this blog a month and a half ago. I’m gonna finish it real quick like. The second half of the flight Beth got cranky. We thought she was just tired and upset. Turns out she had an ear infection. Imagine the pain when we changed altitudes. Anyway, we went to the wedding, had a great time. If you were there, you know what I’m talking about. If you weren’t, you should have been. Had a wonderful time the rest of the trip, it was too short. Here are some pics of Beth from the trip. Sarah’s mom made her dress for the wedding and my mom made her Easter dress. Coming soon, POTTY TRAINING!