I’ll be brief. But I just have to say that I’m TIRED of all this Oregon/Mike Belotti love! People are saying how Belotti is the greatest coach in college football…Oregon is the best team….Belotti has no responsibility in Dixon’s injury (I’m sorry- WHO’S the head coach? WHO’S the senior by 25 years?)…yada yada yada. There’s NO way I give him that title! I don’t care about your opinions on whether or not Belotti is responsible for Dixon playing on the field (by the way- HEAD COACH. WHO runs the team? Dixon, apparently, according to Belotti), but Belotti is the most arrogant, self-focused coach on the face of the planet. Has anyone else ever noticed how, when they get beat, it’s never to the other team’s credit? The other team never played a good game or deserved a win. No. Oregon had too many “give-aways.” Oregon got rid of the ball too many times. The other team never had great defense or played harder. No. Oregon GAVE the game to them. As if THEY are the college football gods who get to choose who wins and decide to have mercy now and then.

Get over yourself, Belotti (sorry, mom, for the vulgarity in this blog ). Be a man. Be a HEAD COACH! Take ownership of your own decisions and don’t always blame the poor ones on kids twenty five years your junior. Give other coaches and teams the credit when they deserve it. Don’t be so stinking proud. That’s the sign of a good coach…someone who can admit the mistakes they make and learn from them. And not only that, but to help their players see the error in their ways. AND LEARN TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR PLAYERS!

That’s all I have to say, folks. I must be off to work, but I really had to get that off my chest!

Halloween was a very bad night for me. Through a series of events, I ended up being the only youth leader (besides our overseer) to stay with the middle school girls and boys at youth group. They were wild. I was frustrated. It was all-in-all just a bad night. So I went home and cried the rest of the evening, and took that time to reevaluate some areas of my life. I journaled for the first time in a while. This is what came out of it ( I didn’t post a link to this anywhere, purposely. I’m thinking not many people will read this, which is probably good! I know my mom will, and I have to assume that Sean will stumble across it eventually Beyond that, I don’t know):

I realized tonight, the extent to which I’m spent and tired. It seems like I’ve given and given and given out of a dry well, only to find that people want and expect more. I’m truly at a loss. I don’t know how to give more. And it’s becoming a thing where I’m giving because I feel like I HAVE to. No bueno! That’s never any good. I kind of had a meltdown tonight, and then, on top of that, realized that I have few people who really seem to care. Of course, there are the two or three who always come through (and if you don’t know who you are, then I’m sorry I haven’t mad that more clear to you ). But other than that, it seems like I’m a disease to be avoided at all costs. I chase…they flee. A friend once told me that the thing they always appreciated about me was that I pursued them, even when they tried to run away. I continued to pursue them, and when that stopped- when I got tired of chasing- they felt like our friendship had changed. Well, I guess in a way, it had. I get tired of chasing! I get tired of pursuing! When will it be MY turn to be pursued? When will MY friendship be valuable enough to be chased after or to fight for? I can name two people who have done that (besides family), and it means the world to me!

But seriously, it’s times like these, when meltdowns occur and you feel like you have no one who cares…no one who REALLY cares…that reality hits. Maybe you will never have a friendship that exists without you being the pursuer. Maybe you ARE a disease. Maybe your feelings and trials AREN’T as valuable or important as everyone else’s.

Now, I know that I’m NOT always the best at telephone communication. Part of it is that my time is so limited. The other is a fear of rejection. For that, I’m sorry- to all of you. I’m sorry.

Lastly, this isn’t a cry for sympathy. I don’t need it. I don’t want any “boo-hoos” or “I never knews”. It’s simply that I feel better about things after writing them down (especially if I feel like I can say all I want to in complete honesty because only a select few people will see it ). So feel free to NOT comment, or call and ask me about it, or ever even mention it to me! I’m serious! Writing has been therapeutic enough!

Just know- I’m tired of giving with a heavy heart (in ANY area), and if I seem less “giving” in the near future, it’s because I’m trying to replenish my soul. I’m trying to ask the Lord to restore what’s left in me and lead me to a place where I can give out of pure joy and selflessness. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I’m hoping to soon.

K…Can’t go without writing a blog about these guys! So Nate introduced me to The Almost. The frontman is Aaron Gillespie from UnderOath, and he pretty much did everything on the album. Then he got a bunch of great musicians to tour with him as The Almost. Their album, Southern Weather, is being released with Tooth and Nail, and they are partnering with VIRGIN RECORDS on the release! VIRGIN freaking RECORDS! Why is this so amazing? Because this is a MAJOR secular label, and once you hear the songs I’m about to post, you’ll see the significance. The Almost has everything to lose by going to a secular label and NOT backing down. The opportunity to reach millions is at their fingertips, and instead of beating around the bush and turning red at the mention of a relationship with Christ, they are being BOLD! UNASHAMED! Holy cow! You HAVE to hear these songs. The lyrics may not be all correct, since the album has not been released yet, and I just did them by ear. You can visit their myspace (www.myspace.com/thealmost) to listen to their music or learn more about them. Here it goes.

Amazing, Because It Is

I was so scared of everything You put in front of me
I’ve been arching every part of me
Just to see, see
Why You need me to be the boy You need me to be

Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saves a wretch like me
I once was lost and now I’m found was blind but now I see
I just wanna see

I’m the type of person who lets fear drive
I’m the type of guy who lets it drive
Cause I’m addicted, I’m needy, I’m lost without You
I need You, I need You

Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saves a wretch like me
I once was lost and now I’m found was blind but now I see
Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saves a wretch like me
I once was lost and now I’m found was blind but now I see

And then there was Dirty and Left Out!

Hello, I swear I won’t be too long
Hello, I promise I’ll be real strong
Wait up; I just want to tell You…
Hold up; why are You still here?

Cuz I’ve been dirtier than You wanna know
I’ve left earlier than You’ll ever know

Why do You wanna be listening to me?
Why do You spread Your arms and tell me I’m free?
Why do You wanna be in my life?
In my life?

I’ve been dirtier than You wanna know
I’ve left earlier than You’ll ever know

Jesus, Jesus, there’s something about Your name
Master, Savior, Jesus

I’ve been dirtier than You wanna know
I’ve left earlier than You’ll ever know

Jesus, Jesus

Ugh. We’re so dirty and deceptive! Yet Jesus’ love for us forces Him to stand there and wait while we indignantly ask Him “Why are you still here?!” We’re so dirty and ashamed, so we ask Him, “Why do You want to listen to me? Why do you want to be in my life? Why did You DIE to make me free?!” But our filth and dirtiness is NOT enough to deter Him from His mission. I get chills

Relient K’s new album = AMAZING! I was really apprehensive to buy it because I liked their second and third albums so much, and then I wasn’t thrilled with their next couple. But this one is so good! I relate to a lot of the songs, and it’s a lot more musically and lyrically mature than previous albums. LOVE IT! Read and relate (By the way, Spring Break = way too much time )

I was going to spell it out in full detail
But I dropped the call before I spilled my guts
But your floor stayed clean, like my conscience will be
Cause if you heard anything, you didn’t hear it from me

And I’m sweeping up the seconds that tick off the clock
And saving them for later when I’m too ticked to talk
And I need some time to search my mind
To locate the words that seem so hard to find

Sometimes I say things that
I wish I could take back
The most crucial thing I lack
Is a thing called tact
But if you’re always so intently listening
Then the smartest thing to say is to tell myself not to say a thing

Yeah, I gotta keep quiet, quiet
Don’t let it all come undone
Cause if I dare open my mouth
It’ll just be to bite my tongue
To bite my tongue

It seems I’m always close minded with an open mouth
And the worst of me seems to come right out
But I’ve never broken bones with a stone or a stick
But I’ll conjure up a phrase that can cut to the quick

Sometimes I say things that
I wish I could take back
Then the smartest thing to say is to tell myself

To keep quiet, quiet
Don’t let it all come undone
Cause if I dare open my mouth
It’ll just be to bite my tongue
I gotta keep quiet, quiet
And listen to Your voice
Because the power of Your words
Can repair all that I’ve destroyed

And when I finally do
Let it come from You
The peace of understanding grips my soul
Cause You’re the reason I’ve
Found meaning in this life
So I’ll swallow up my pride and give You control
I give all to You

Yeah, I gotta keep quiet, quiet
Don’t let it all come undone
Cause if I dare open my mouth
It’ll just be to bite my tongue
I gotta keep quiet, quiet
And listen to Your voice
Because the power of Your words
Can repair all that I’ve destroyed

Yeah, I gotta keep quiet, quiet
Don’t let it all come undone
Cause if I dare open my mouth
It’ll just be to bite my tongue
To bite my tongue

Totally relate…especially lately. That’s all she wrote. I’m a bloggin’ fool Love you all!

I hate how good Satan is at his job! He is the master of lies, the ultimate deceiver. And he knows just the ways to bring us down. I hate it!

I’ve tried really hard the last two years. After counseling and breakdowns, hatred and resentment, frustration and hurt…I’ve really tried to rely on God to lead my life and actions. I’ve dug deeper in His word and asked the Holy Spirit for guidance in my life. I’ve clung to my faith, my hope, and my beliefs. In this last couple of years, I’ve really felt like God has showed me what an extreme (NOT FUNDAMENTAL) life the Christian life is supposed to be. It’s supposed to be one of being different than the rest of the world…one where people look at us and say “Wow! Why’s that person so different than me? I want what they have!” It’s supposed to be a life of devotion and submission to God and His word. I really think we discredit the authority of the Bible too much. We try to interpret it to fit our own lifestyles and to benefit us. But I feel like God’s word is NOT something that’s easy to follow. It’s purpose is NOT to satisfy our desires and wants. It’s NOT to be used and interpreted to justify our thoughts and actions. That’s a copout way to analyze God’s perfection and holiness and justice. To interpret the Word of God in order to make it easier for us to “not sin” as much?! WE ARE SINNERS! OUR THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS ARE IMPURE AND SHOULD DISGUST US! And the Bible is something that should convict us of our dirtiness. But it also assures us of the grace that God gives us despite that. Why can’t we accept that?! I’ve tried hard to use the Word of God to guide my physical actions and thoughts. To learn and grow. And it feels like that has done nothing but backfire on me again and again.

People often interpret a devotion to God and a desire to control our thoughts and actions as intimidating. They look at the outside, which is perhaps trained through hard work, and say “That person doesn’t struggle with the things that I do. Look how ‘perfect’ they are.” But they don’t see the inside as God does. Ask me once in a while what I struggle with. Don’t assume that just because I don’t cuss or smoke or really drink, I don’t struggle with anything. The inside is still dirty and hard and gross and constantly being worked on. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t try our hardest to become closer to holy, one piece at a time. The physical sins in our life are often the easiest to get rid of. It’s the sins of the heart and mind that are much more difficult to control. And we all struggle with those sins, no matter how long we’ve been in Christ. It frustrates me to no end that people judge Christians in a harsh way because they have worked hard on one area of their life in order to be able to move on to the next. As Christians, shouldn’t we ALL have that desire? To work bit by bit on the sin in our lives. But Satan often moves in and either tells us that our efforts are fruitless and should be given up on, in which case we do give up. Or he tells others that it’s impossible for them to be like us, and they in turn shun us and make us feel bad for the convictions that WE have. It’s a sad, sad situation.

I’m tired of feeling bad for the convictions that I have. I’m tired of feeling like everyone thinks that our humanness (and the fact that God gives us grace) is justifiable enough to deter us from even TRYING to follow God’s word. I’m tired of using and abusing God’s grace when it’s in my power to TRY to be good, just because others look down on me. I’m tired of trying to balance joy and sorrow because I feel like I HAVE to be sorrowful in order to be real. I WANT a child-like faith and a child-like attitude. I want to worship with joy and not feel like I have to be solemn in praising the Lord. I can’t possibly do any more damage than I already have by doing this, and I’ll be happier in my relationship with the Lord.

Kate may have discovered something that I haven’t until now. That’s that sometimes you have to do things others may not want you to do in order to grow. You may have to pull yourself out situations, even if that means losing friends. But you should NEVER be ashamed of living a life to please God. If you’re in a place that’s making you feel that way, it might be time to get out.

It has nothing to do with her, but I know she always looks to see if I’ve blogged, and I haven’t since August! So here’s to you, Mom!

Why is it that I’m mostly inspired to write by music? Maybe it’s because God’s put such a love of it in me…but when I look at all the little “scene” kids, I feel so inadequate. I feel so musically stupid. Oh well. Regardless, I DO love music, and time and time again, it’s proven to be a source of unneccesary emotional outpourings of which I never thought I was capable

It’s funny that Jessi Blue talked on reverence Wednesday at church. A particular song came to mind, and I’ve listened to it over and over again the last couple of days. Now, for all our poor youth, who have heard me and Sean do this song over and over again, I’m sorry! It’s just that it touches us in a way that a lot of songs don’t. So bear with me. It’s called “Make a Joyful Noise” by the David Crowder Band. The lyrics are as follows:

(Click on the “Play” button to listen to the song as you read the lyrics!)

Make a joyful noise to the Lord all the earth
Make a joyful noise to the Lord all the earth

The flowers of the field
Are crying to be heard
The trees of the forest are singing
And all of the mountains with one voice
Are joining the chorus of this world

And I will not be silent
I will not be quiet anymore [2x]

Running through the forest
Dive into the lake
Bare feet on beaches white
Standing in the canyon
Painted hills around
The wind against my skin
Every ocean
Every sea
Every river
Every stream
Every mountain
Every tree
Every blade of grass will sing

A diverse song indeed. I’ll start with the first part. “Make a joyful noise to the Lord all the earth…the flowers of the field are crying to be heard, the trees of the forest are singing, and all of the mountains with one voice will join in the chorus of this world…and I will not be silent, I will not be quiet anymore…”

Luke 19:28 - 40 talks about Jesus’ triumphal entry into Jerusalem the week before he was crucified. The followers of Christ, including the disciples are making a big to-do of his entrance, shouting “Hosanna” and “Blessed is the King who comes in the name of the Lord!” And the pharisees (those self-righteous doers that so often were a thorn in Jesus’ side) tell Jesus to make his disciples shut up. They tell him to rebuke them. But Jesus turns around and says, “I tell you that if these should keep silent, the stones would immediately cry out.” So my conviction is this…how often do we REALLY cry out with joy to the Lord? How often do we really stand in awe of his presence in our lives? How often do we show reverence when we think of Him and His love for us eventhough we are unloving, ungrateful, unfaithful, unrighteous, and completely undeserving of anything He has ever given us? But look around you! Even the trees and the grass and the oceans…all of nature cry out DAILY in praise of the Lord! How many of us have gone to the beach and NOT stood in awe of the ocean and it’s roar? It’s crashing waves…yet God CREATED the ocean, and it cries out in praise to Him! Or look at the trees. They stand attentive, with hands (branches) raised to the skies in praise of their Creator. And how many times have I kept quiet when there’s been an opportunity to give God glory for all the things He’s done or the things He’s given me? How many times have I stood there absolutely silent, thinking in my head “I don’t agree with you AT ALL because this is what God’s done for me”. Yet I’ve said NOTHING! Well I will not be silent! I will not be quiet anymore! If stones and branches and water will cry out in praise, then so will I!

The last part makes me think about being naked before the Lord! Now, I will be the first to tell you that I think a naked human body (or at least MY naked human body) is about the ugliest thing on the face of this planet! A naked kitty (you know…a shaved one, like Mr. Bigglesworth from Austin Powers), on the other hand, is SO stinking ugly that it’s one of the CUTEST things on the face of the planet! But God wants us to be naked and unashamed before Him! Now, I’m not encouraging you all to go running around naked! But I want you to think of this metaphorically. I think about running through a forest naked, or standing in the Grand Canyon in nothing but my birthday suit. It’s scary and potentially deathly embarrassing, but at the same time, it’s so childish! It’s carefree! The wind cools and refreshes us! In the same way, when we are naked and unashamed…vulnerable…before the Lord, we give up our cares and our worries to Him. We give up our anxieties. There’s nowhere to hide them. No pockets or underwear to stuff them down. No shoes or socks. We are stripped down to the bare minimum, and sometimes the UGLIEST part of us is exposed. Then that cool wind whips around and blows over us, and we feel free and refreshed. No cares. No worrying about hair and makeup. Simply a refreshing of the soul, where we can stand with arms open and reflect on God’s perfect love for us despite our ugliness and flaws. It’s kind of amazing. I can’t help but close my eyes when I sing that song…which, by the way, I just found out we are singing at the Undiscovered tonight Ahahahahaha. Anyhow-

I just feel like we all could use a reminder sometimes of how silent we are about the freeing and cleansing power that God has. We are silent about the perfect love and grace that He’s showed us. There’s no gratitude in that. Next time the opportunity comes up for you to stand up for what you believe and you DON’T SAY A WORD, think about that. There’s NO gratitude in silence! There’s no appreciation, love, adoration, or reverence in standing quiet and still when there’s an opportunity to give glory to God. How ironic that the complete opposite is true when we speak of standing still and silent BEFORE God But when it comes to standing still and silent ABOUT God BEFORE others, well…we need to think about it.

That’s all for now. I hope I gave you all something to think about!

It’s funny how sometimes I don’t write for months at a time, and then, all of a sudden, I have like 4 blogs that I want to write! Ajkdjfkdf;hdfjkldjfuirkjfkdhf! Silly me!

But I wanted to write on something I read today. I said in the last blog that I was kinda struggling with some of my friendships…not only ones that I have everyday, but even ones that I haven’t maintained over the years. I was kind of thinking too about the Christian friends I’ve had over the years, and how some of them have fallen away from the Lord, and even family and church family that I desperately want to come to the realization of the power of God and His love. It was all kind of making me sad. But then I was reading in Jeremiah today, and this is what God showed me. I’m mostly just gonna type the verses and let you guys listen to what God is saying. I might elaborate a little, though We’ll see.

Jeremiah 31: 13 - 14

Then shall the virgin rejoice in the dance, and the young men and the old together; for I will turn their mourning to joy, will comfort them, and make them rejoice rather than sorrow. I will satiate the soul of the priests with abundance and my people shall be satisfied with my goodness, says the Lord.

WOW! God has really comforted me this morning, just like He says He will! Because of His great love, I am able to rejoice when I want to sorrow. I am able to have joy when I want to mourn. And not only that, but He says that He will satisfy me with His goodness! I love Him for that! I heard a friend say that God will sustain you where you are at in your times of desire (not her exact words, but close enough ), and He has done that, PLUS has satiated my soul with abundance (I know I’m not a priest, but…)!

Jeremiah 31: 16 - 17

Thus says the Lord: “Refrain your voice from weeping, and your eyes from tears; for your work shall be rewarded, says the Lord, and they shall come back from the land of the enemy. There is hope in your future, says the Lord, that your children shall come back to their own border.”

This is amazing to me too. I think of loved ones - both friends and family - who have lost sight of the Lord. I think of church family who have yet to find Him. And at times, it makes you sad because you try to live by example, but it seems like your efforts are all for naught. But God says here that those works WILL be rewarded. Prayer and petition are powerful weapons. And through them, there is hope that the “lost” ones will return to their God. Amazing!

Jeremiah 31: 33 - 34

But this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel, after those days, says the Lord: I will put my law in their minds, and write it on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. No more shall every man teach his brother, saying, “Know the Lord,” for they all shall know me, from the least of them to the greatest of them, says the Lord. For I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.

This makes me smile. I consider myself one of the “least of them” compared to many Christians that I know. I have had a rocky relationship with the Lord at times. But I am so comforted in the fact that I DO know Him, and because of that, I am forgiven. My sins are remembered no more! And eventhough I can’t forget them, God does, because He is so much bigger than I am, and unfathomable in His abilities. I am amazed when I think on Him. And because of His love and forgiveness, He HAS made Himself known to me, and I have become “the greatest” to Him. Still not so in MY mind, but I know HE thinks so

So there’s the comfort the Lord has given me today. He’s a great God!

…is a dangerous thing to do! Monsters will come out of the abyss and devour you! They will chew you to a pulp and spit you back out over all the land, painting it red with your blood!

Nah. Just joking! But I have realized that breaking my heart is kind of a bad experience for me. It makes me shy away from people and not want to get any closer. And not just that, but it ruins my relationships with others because I fear that they, too, are going to break my heart. It’s happened many times in my life…family, friends, boyfriends, even hubby at times. It’s a fact of life, I know, but it hurts all the same, and I have to learn a more effective way of dealing with heartbreaks. They make you feel so small. So unloved. So unimportant. And for someone with an already ruined self-image, that all leads to disaster!

I think this is why I have such a hard time with labeling my relationships. I can’t just SAY that someone is my “best friend” (with the exception of a couple people!). I have to say they are “one of my best friends” in order to leave the door open for when they are inevitably going to break my heart. That leaves room to then explain…”They’re one of my best friends, but we’ve kind of grown apart lately.” It’s a defense mechanism. Then I got to wondering…why even label them anything?

I’ve been struggling a bit lately with my friendships.  Some have grown in AMAZING ways…ones I never would have expected to, while others have dwindled away…again…ones I never expected to.  Still others have remained sure and steady.  I’m so thankful to God for the friends He’s put in my life, but at the same time, I become so disappointed that I’m not always able to maintain those.  It’s like being in love.  The fire is there for a time, and then it dies (on one side or the other).  And then, eventually, it becomes like the couple who tolerate each other “for the kids” or because they’ve been together for so long that they can’t just break it off.  They’re just there for complacency.  Ugh.  It makes me wanna cry!

But lastly, it makes me realize how much I take my steady friendships for granted.  For instance, there are two girls that I’ve always labeled as “one of my best friends” that, in all reality, when I realize how much they mean to me and how steady our friendships are, should be considered my best friends.  I’m sorry for not making that clear sooner or trusting them enough to NOT break my heart.  It’s like calling your fiance “the guy that I’m seeing”.  And then there are the people who have been there for me DAILY, without me even realizing it…the people who have recently SHOCKED me (especially with my recent birthday celebration ;)) with their consideration and knowledge of all things “me”.  People I never really thought cared enough to notice the small details or bring small joys to my life.  What is wrong with me?!  WHY HAVE I TAKEN THESE PEOPLE FOR GRANTED FOR SO LONG?!  I spent so much time focusing on the people I was “in love with” (in a strictly friendship sort of way :)) that I didn’t give notice to the people showing me love all around.  Ugh.  Does this make sense?

In this, I have to make mention of a few people.  I hate using names, because I don’t like to single people out or make others feel bad.  But I really feel I need to here.  It’s important to me.  If you are not mentioned by name, don’t feel you are unimportant!  My brain is fried and my time limited.  So I have to do this improv style.  First off…my new church family.  You guys are more than I ever hoped or dreamed for!  The leaders and kids that He’s put in my life have shown me SO much love in the last few months, and I can’t even express the care and kindness that I’ve experienced from them!  Second…sarah and corinn.  If you guys didn’t figure it out, it’s you I was talking about earlier.  I am SO sorry for at times not having enough faith in you guys to have the confidence that you two ARE best friends to me!  There is no room for backing out and making excuses, and I’m sorry if I have.   NO MORE SHYING AWAY!  Then, all those steady friends I’ve taken for granted…who have been there as rocks for me.  Laura, Shannon, Joe, Nicole, Sarah Dayle…just to name a few.  I am SO SORRY!  You guys have been there so much, and I don’t think I have ever told some of you (with a couple of exceptions) how much I appreciate your friendship!  WHY?!  All I can do is continue to appologize.  The others…you know who you are ;)…Thank you for being the best friends, companions (at one point, playmates hehe), family, and support system anyone could have!  I LOVE YOU ALL!

Note:  I haven’t included family in this one, cuz I’m gonna save it for another time.  I love you all just as much, and wish all my friendships could be more like family units!  They’re so special!